Back in the Saddle, Cowboy

There were wonderful things this month. We got a kitty. Celebrated my fourth anniversary. Got a fabulous new haircut.

The not-so-wonderful-things?

1. Family crisis.

2. Financial problems.

3. Health issues.

4. Absolute silence re: my inbox from the literary world. (Call me crazy, but I think three months of silence on a query is a “no.”)

5. Confrontation about my lack of confidence.

Seems pretty strange, doesn’t it? If there’s one thing I project in public, it’s confidence. I have business cards. I am studying the publishing business daily to figure out how it works. I’ve begun to take care of my creativity with things like Artist’s Dates, and realized there are things I will not do to my books just for publication’s sake. I learned all kinds of things about my ideas, including their specific genres of “soft Sci-Fi” and “edgy fantasy YA.” I’ve made some  incredible contacts in the publishing world, all while daily reminding myself that it takes an average of twelve years to get published.

So, yeah. Confidence? I’ve got it covered. Really.

…I am a terrible liar.

The downside of all this work and research is that sometimes you just get tired. Dog-tired. Bone-tired. And it can be hard to get back in the saddle.

Let me be clear: I’m tired in the work, not of it. There is nothing I’d rather do than write – and when I get unexpected story ideas, I get so excited I have trouble sleeping. My beloved husband is very understanding when I have to go write things down in the middle of the night.

So what can possibly be wrong? Well. My husband pegged it three days ago.

“Baby, I don’t know who made you feel so low about yourself and the talent God gave you, but it’s time you stopped saying you suck.”

I say I suck?

Oh-m’-gosh. I do say I suck.

I say it all the time. Not in those words, oh no, I’m far too creative for that.

Bad words come from bad thoughts.

“Is it good? I HOPE so.” “You really like it?” “I only finally just now happy with this for the first time ever.” “Someday I’ll be able to write as well as ___.” “Oh no, seeing that really bad movie/book/whatever made me fear I DO that particular plot hole/character development flaw/really stupid newbie writing thing. AAAH.”

I wasn’t aware of it until husband pointed it out. And I am so, so glad that he did.

I’m done talking down about myself.

I’m through verbally doubting my talent or my hard work. Is there more to learn? Always! That doesn’t mean I suck. I’ve had enough honest feedback by now to know I don’t.

Bad words come from bad thoughts. From now on, I refuse to allow the nonsense of worry to take me down or slow me up.

No more I suck. It’s over.

I am back in the saddle, baby. Have some motivational music to celebrate.

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